Confused

I am so freaking confused.

Why say you love me, then

1) treat me like a stranger when you see me?
2) tell me that nothing can be guaranteed?
3) say I am replaceable?
4) tell me that anything, and everything can change?
5) not show it in your actions and words thereafter?
6) tell me its up to me, that I should think for myself?

What are you trying to say to me? Im receiving very mixed signals, and Im getting very fed up with all these mind games.

Does he love me? Oh yes, he just said he did. Morever, its up to me to decide if I want to believe him or not.
Did he really meant what he said? Oh yes, definitely. Morever, its up to me to decide how much to trust him.
Should I stay in this relationship? Oh yes, obviously duh. He wanted it to continue didn;t he? Moreover, its up to me whether or not I want to continue.

Thank you for having such great faith in my judgement.

I really want to end this misery. Don't come and tell me 'its up to me'. Obviously I can do whatever I want. But you know what? What really matters to me now is YOU telling/showing me that this r/ship is worthwhile.

If everything is up to me, then all I can say now is, I concede defeat.
I don't want to play anymore.
You win.
You have your own principles and views and Yes, you are definitely entitled to them. Nobody says you are wrong.
Now, Im beginning to wonder if everything was a mistake from the start. Maybe I should never have started it at all. Whatever, he'll probably say its up to me to think.

What to do.

I am so tired. I want to give up, yet I don't want to let go.

I hate you, yet love you at the same time.

I wish I didn't have to initiate everything myself. I wish you could just step up.

I may seem so difficult to you now, but all I really want is for you to tell me you love me.

I want to stay, but by staying I may just hurt myself more. I want you to tell me it will not hurt, that you will do your best, and everything will be ok.

I may seem so self-centred, talking about "I" all the time, but deep down you know that You are at the centre of my world.

You mean so much to me, I don't want to end it and say goodbye to a future together.

You told me to wait for you, to enter my life again and give me happiness. Im still waiting.

I told you how I want things to be, and I don't know how to explain it clearer. tell me how to tell you. I want to know.

Right now I wish you can just hold me. Tell me that I matter to you.

You know how I feel when there are other girls around. I just want you all to myself. I know it's selfish, but that because I love you.

I don;t even know if you bother to read this, but this is how I feel now.

Thought of the Day

Chatted with an old buddy today and started talking about psych stuff and relationships. And then he said something that struck me.

"Maybe one day , you can find someone who loves you not becoz he sees you , but he sees you for the woman that you can become."

I wonder how that works.. the guy must be a really rare gem to be able to see a woman for who she can become. Not to mention, having lots of faith in her and in his judgment.

Bye Bye travelling 2011

I think Im done travelling for the year. My bank account is at a disgustingly all-time low, and I desperately need to save up for my grad trip next summer.

Sigh... NOW I wish I can just strike toto or 4D. :(

Went to Batam last week and had seafood which = diarrhoea. The massage was not bad, but 3 hours was wayyy too long, not to mention that some parts of my naked body was exposed to the aircon throughout. Pics of the Batam trip on Facebook if you wanna see how the interior of the resort looks like! I must say that I was plesantly surprised by the level of cleanliness in the room. Spacious with clean bedding, and quite a few channels on TV. Mini fridge was clean and functioning, and there was a stainless steel flask for boiling water. ( YAY for not having those horrid coiled-rod thingies that tend to corrode into a beastly green color)

Had tea with Mel and Han at Antoinette this afternoon! Original plan was to watch Monte Carlo alone at Kallang since I needed to kill time before meeting my uni friends at 7pm. Well, bitching session always win over a lonesome movie date with myself lolol. I think I missed out on A LOT with ma galz ever since I started preparing for my Europe trip in May :( Gotta catch up and start going out more with them before school starts.

Catch-up with my dearest uni friends was awesome!! We had dim sum and then dau huay and youtiao at Geylang :DD Our chatting session was really nice, catching up on life and school and how we might not grad in time because of the pathetic number of class vacancies. Friend A then started talking about how she thinks she will end up dying alone with 10 cats because she has never had a BF her whole life, while friend B looks on forlornly and wishes he can find an intelligent girl to be his GF. And I just stare at my bi dan porridge and wonder if I will also end dying alone with 100 hamsters by my bedside- marriage is not on my cards at this point.

I used to be all excited at getting married, cuz it is like the ultimate romantic ending to a relationship. But after having a relationship for 3 years, marriage just seems like a tool to legitimize having children and to apply for an HDB flat. Not saying that marriage is solely for those 2 purposes, just that all the hard work, planning and sacrifices that comes with marriage erases all the Disney-like properties of marriage. The more I think about marrying someone, the more I find marriage exhausting and cumbersome. When I think about "sharing my life with my husband", I think about:

1) What if I don't get a job that provides an income as high or higher than his? How will it shape the power dynamics in the relationship? If he earns more, will he offer to pay more of the expenses, and then complain about it one day? If I earn more, will he feel inferior? ( Guys and their ego thingy)

2) I will have to face this guy at MY home before work and after work and in bed. Does his habits suit mine? What if he has habits that I cannot live with?

3) Values. What if we don't share the same values towards work, child-rearing, politics, religion, etc etc? What if he criticizes what I believe in?

4) What if we get bored of each other, or get irritated at each other? ( 50+ years together can be hell; just look at the past 22 years with parents) What if one of us meet someone else who we like?

And the list goes on... byebye,fairytale story. you were fun when I didn't have to think so much about all these questions.